Isn't it interesting that some people, places and decisions make us feel warm, soothed and safe, while others leave us worried, fraught or doubting ourselves? And why is it that sometimes we work hard for something we think we've always wanted, yet when it finally comes to fruition, we feel... nothing?
What if understanding those reactions could help us make better sense of what we need from life, rather than what we think we should want from it?
The good news is that it can, and the clues are often there in our everyday experiences. Think about the jobs you've loved and hated; the people who make you feel most like yourself; the situations that leave you stressed or trapped, and those that make you feel comfortable and at ease. They all tell us something important about what we need.
I'm not talking about trauma responses here (although they of course have their place). This is about the broader makeup of what makes us us, and that lies in understanding our personal values.
I used to say quite confidently that we know ourselves better than anyone else knows us (provided we give ourselves the time and space to uncover what's there), but I no longer believe it's quite that simple.
The idea of genuinely knowing who we are can feel pretty abstract, particularly for neurodivergent people who may have spent years adapting, masking or trying to work out which version of themselves fits where.
But what I do believe, having seen it countless times through my work with people of different ages, backgrounds and circumstances, is that we know far more about ourselves than we realise. We simply don't always recognise the significance of what we already know.
What are personal values?
In the simplest of terms, personal values are the things that matter most to us. They act as a sort of internal compass, helping us understand what we need, what feels right for us and what we want to prioritise in the way we live our lives.
Examples of personal values include Freedom, Belonging, Security, Growth, Humour, Recognition, Creativity, Family, Success, Understanding and Adventure.
And one value isn't more admirable than another. It all comes down to our personal experiences, and our current wants and needs.
What our values can teach us about ourselves
One of my own highest values is Integrity, which probably sounds like quite a grown-up value, and in some ways it is.
For me, Integrity shows up in wanting to do what I say I'm going to do (and to do it well). I simply can't ignore the icky feeling I get when I don't do the thing in the way I promised. I want to hold my head up high, and I want to be believed.
The downside is that, mixed with a questionable dose of perfectionism, I can find it hard to accept when I can't deliver what I'd intended to, or when 'good enough' really is good enough. Sometimes the standard I set for myself makes a task feel so overwhelming that I put it off, or don't do it at all. Which is quite a price to pay for wanting to do something well.
I've also learnt the hard way that grinding on regardless can lead to burnout. So part of living by this value (which most definitely is important to me) has meant getting better at boundaries, being more realistic about what I can take on and owning it when I've overcommitted.
When exploring values, it can be useful to distinguish between those we've inherited from parents or society (what we think we should value), those connected to our more instinctive wants and needs, and those we've consciously chosen as adults.
Values like Responsibility, Loyalty and Health can sound like things a sensible adult ought to prioritise, but the important question is whether they genuinely matter to us, rather than simply feeling like they should.
Alongside Integrity, both Connection and Humour form part of my own top five.
Life can be hard and, even in some pretty crappy circumstances, I've found that moments of tongue-in-cheek humour can bring relief, whilst surrounding myself with kindred spirits can help lift low moods.
And I love that I know that about myself. It's more than just helpful.
How to identify your personal values
When it comes to identifying our most important values, we need to use both instinct and thought, because the word itself only tells us so much.
Freedom could mean travelling the world to one person, running their own business to another, or simply having enough control over their diary to collect their children from school.
Belonging might mean being surrounded by a big family or having three people with whom you can completely be yourself.
Success might mean becoming a CEO, earning enough to work four days a week, creating something of your own or simply being really good at what you do.
This is why identifying your personal values isn't just about choosing words from a list. It's about exploring what those words actually mean to you.
I once worked with a client who talked regularly about how much she loved her family, but there had also been difficult dynamics and elements of control that had left her feeling suffocated. As an adult, she'd moved more than 2,000 miles away and created a life where she could live, work and travel on her own terms.
When we explored her values, Freedom came out on top. Family didn't make her top five.
That didn't mean she loved her family any less, or that she couldn't be a loving mother if she had children herself. It simply told us something important about what she needed in order to feel like herself.
And we have to give ourselves permission to say: this is okay. This is me.
What are anti-values, and why do they matter?
Sometimes what we dislike (our anti-values) can tell us just as much about what drives us.
Although this needs a little more careful consideration, because we can inadvertently end up with a list of things we don't like about ourselves, and that's not the point.
Anti-values are essentially the things we find particularly difficult to tolerate or want less of in our lives.
Examples include Being Controlled, Dishonesty, Chaos, Unfairness, Isolation, Greed, Stagnation and Disrespect.
As with values, it's worth looking at what our belief system is telling us about the anti-values we choose.
Is this something that genuinely has a negative impact on me when it exists around me, or is it actually something I struggle to accept in myself?
I've had more than one client put Laziness or Procrastination high on their list. But when we've looked more closely, they don't necessarily despise those behaviours per se. What they can't tolerate is seeing them in themselves, because of what they believe it says about them.
For me, Aggression sits high on my list of anti-values.
Angry, raised voices (let alone actual violence), whether they're directed at me or not, can send my nervous system into overdrive. It doesn't matter whether it's happening in person, on screen or online; the effects can linger, disrupting my sleep, concentration and general well-being.
As you can imagine, war films are never my first choice, and I must be careful with my social media algorithm.
Can your personal values change over time?
Some of my values have changed since I first explored them with a coach years ago, while others, my core values, have stayed quite consistent.
And that's the beauty of values work. Our lives change as we mature and experience both the good and bad bits of life, and what matters to us can change with them.
The point isn't really to end up with a selection of perfect words written neatly in a notebook, tucked in a drawer somewhere.
It's understanding what sits underneath them, because that's when they start to tell us something useful about the life we're living and the one we actually want to lead.
How understanding your values helps you make decisions
And perhaps the more interesting question isn't simply 'What are my values?' but: what is the cost of not knowing them?
Are you building a life around what really matters to you, or around the things you've absorbed over the years about what should matter?
Our personal values have no hidden agenda. There's nobody to impress, and we don't even have to share them with anyone. They're ours, and they tell us something important about the life we want to lead.
And once we understand them, those niggling feelings and gut instincts start to make more sense.
We can recognise why something doesn't feel right, what we might be missing and what we need more of. And that gives us something useful to come back to when making decisions about our lives.
Curious about your own values?
If you'd like to explore your own values at home, you're welcome to download the Values & Anti-Values list I use with my coaching clients.
You'll also find some guidance on how to work through the lists, narrow down your choices and start thinking about what they mean for you.
Get your free Values & Anti-Values list
And if you'd like some help exploring your values in more depth, or would prefer to work through them together from scratch, please feel free to get in touch.
We can arrange an introductory call to talk about what you'd like to get from coaching, with absolutely no obligation to commit.
To get in contact and arrange a call, you can do so here
